6 Reasons "Friends With Benefits" Never Works

by Caitlin Brody via Glamour

Even though the movie, which hits theaters tonight, garnered major cuteness points in my book (Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis = HOT. And the many JT bum shots didn’t hurt...at all), I have trouble getting behind the whole friends-with-benefits thing. It’s just never worked for me. Here’s why:


1. I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible not to get attached.After all, a friend with benefits should be a great guy (except maybe when it comes to commitment), which is why we’re friends in the first place. But it’s easy for me to get carried away with thoughts of dates and vacations and ohmigod Kate Middleton married a prince, why can’t I? I try to cut myself some slack though, because even Samantha Jones got attached every once in a while.

2. One word: Jealousy. “Friends” means minimal claim on a guy, so it’s possible that other chicks might come around. And I’m supposed to be OK with it, which I thought would be fine. Key word: thought.

3. The friendship may never be the same again. (That sentence could come with its own dramatic background music.) But it’s true: Sex complicates everything!

4. It’s not just the relationship between the two of you that changes, but the whole dynamic as a group of friends can change, as well. C’mon, it’s weird for everyone if you’re all PDA, but isn’t it just as weird if you’re not?

5. At some point, one of you will get awkward. This one, unfortunately, I’m way too familiar with.

6. No one is immune. Not even seemingly invincible Mila could avoid numbers one through five--and that’s reason enough for me. 

Will Your Date Have Sex On The First Date?

According to OkTrends at OkCupid.com, there's a way to find out.

"Ask your date:  'Do you like the taste of beer?'
 Because: Among all our casual topics, whether someone likes the taste of beer is the single best predictor of if he or she has sex on the first date.

No matter their gender or orientation, beer-lovers are 60% more likely to be okay with sleeping with someone they've just met. Sadly, this is the only question witha meaningful correlation for women. For men there are a few others:

   Predictive question/Implied odds of first-date sex

Q: In a certain light, wouldn't nuclear war                                                       

be exciting?                             'yes'=83%

Q: Assuming you were in the position to                                                          

do so, would you launch nuclear weapons

under any circumstances?         'yes'=82%

Q: Could you imagine yourself killing                                                         

somone?                                  'yes'=82%"

*"OkTrends is origional research and insights from OkCupid, who's compiled their observations and statistics from hundreds of millions of OkCupid user interactions, all to explore the data side of the online dating world."

You Suck At Dating. (A Guide For How To NOT Suck At Dating)

While I'm not here to claim like I've got it all, I do have a particularly hard time watching friends make mistakes that I wouldn't. So I've devised a guide of mistakes and how to avoid them, from what I've learned so far.

My dad once told me- smart people learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from others' mistakes too.

Standards

Everyone's got them. Everyone's are different. Here's one mistake I've made: thinking that having high standards for looks is shallow. I've gone through my fair share "he's-got-a-nice-personality" boyfriends, and you know what I found out? It doesn't work. Chemistry is important. And while the personality might be enough chemistry for you while the relationship is new and exciting, those butterflies always wear off-

whether he's hot or not. And after the newness and excitement dies down, so will the chemistry.

If you can wake up next to him after 5 months and look over at the bed-head, hasn't-showered-yet lumpy pile in the bed and think to yourself "yep.. still sexy" then there's a good chance you will find yourself doing that when you're 50, 70, or 90 years old too.

Again, I have found myself in situations where I look over and that's not what I think at all. And it really kills a lot of the affection you have for your partner in the relationship. If he comes up to you sometimes and wants to kiss you and you think "ew" (which I have!) then you know what? You should think twice. It makes you enjoy everything non-physical in the relationship and not enjoy the romantic parts as much. Stop and think about that for a second. What is a relationship without the romance and the chemistry? It's friendship!

When you enjoy the friendship part and not the dating part of your relationship, that's just a no-brainer. You're better off as friends.

Wanting a good looking partner is not overrated. You deserve the best.

Love At First Sight

Ha. I love this. I think this is a phrase coined by Hollywood to keep their romantic comedies under 2 1/2 hours long. Lust at first sight, sure. But love? Come on.

Let me tell you something I've learned from everyone I know, myself included. It takes at least a few months to know if the person you're dating is crazy or not. (I use the term crazy because of my 'crazy ex' story.. referr back to "What Kind Of An Ex Are You?" post). The first few months will give you little to no information about whether or not your relationship is going to be a real, authentic, long-term love, or a drama-filled, soap opera kind of romance.

Unless you're at the very least 5 or 6 months in, don't get your expectations too high. It's very easy to say "I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him/her" before you really find out that this would be a nightmare!

Don't Forgive A Cheater

I'm serious. I don't care if they were drunk or high or mad at you and it was your fault. It's not worth it. Let me tell you why.

The first thing I did when I was dating a guy was let him know that cheating would be unacceptable and unforgivable. Why would I do

this? Because it lets him know from the very beginning that if he gets the idea in his head, he knows for sure what the consequences will be. If you allow him to think you'll take him back, what's to stop him?

The other reason this philosophy is important is because of self-respect. Do you really want to be with someone who isn't sure 100% of the time that they want to be with you? No. You don't deserve that.

Let me say it again. You do NOT deserve that.

The more respect you have for yourself and the more apparent you make it, the more respect people will give you. Demand respect from the person you are dating. (Remember to give that much in return!) And most importantly of all, stop wasting your time on those who don't give it to you.

Enough With The On-Again, Off-Agains

Couples who break up and get back together all the time are ridiculous. Don't break up with someone if you don't mean it for good. Don't let them break up with you if they don't mean it for good. And don't take them back if they decide they didn't mean it!

If you threaten to break up with someone and don't mean it, you're crying wolf and what you say or threaten will lose its meaning over time. You don't want this. You want them to take you seriously, right?

Aside from it being a pet peeve of mine to watch friends see-saw with their relationship status' on Facebook, I don't have much else to say on the topic.

How Much Say Do They Get?

You're a big girl/boy. You can tie your own shoes, you can cross the street without holding someone's

hand. You can hang out with your friends without permission. You can spend your paycheck on what you want without permission. You can decide how many drinks you want when you're having a night out. You can choose your bedtime and you can eat dessert for dinner.

Don't let your partner become your parent. And do not become theirs. They're adults too.

Jealousy

I used to think that because I had more guy friends than girlfriends, I just got along with guys better and that the men I date should accept that. And vice versa, if my boyfriend was friends with more girls than guys.

But I'm going to say what you're not supposed to say, and let you know that while you might have lots of great friends who are the opposite sex, you're still playing with fire. It's not smart to hang out with them 1. without your significant other, or 2. as often as you used to (before S.O. came along). You will create lots of unwanted tension in your relationship and even if they assure you it's not a big deal, eventually IT WILL BE.

That said, should you be allowed to be friends with whoever you want? Of course! Don't let them dictate that for you. But be respectful, even if the friendships are strictly platonic. And it's ok for you to ask the same of them.

Personal Space

It's a big deal! Every couple develops their own comfort zones when it comes to space. Sometimes moving in is a big issue, sometimes it isn't. I know the stereotypical "oh-my-gosh-her-toothbrush-is-here" is supposed to really freak guys out, and in reality, sometimes it doesn't. (Sometimes it REALLY does!)

Either way, know that you're entitled to your own time and your own space. This goes out to people whose partner's want to be around them all the time. It's healthy to keep your own identity, your own friends, and your own interests.

That said, don't forget that you can be too clingy! Let them have their own time, their own interests, and their own friends, if they so feel the need. You don't have to do everything together, and you don't have to have them around you all the time- even though sometimes you might just want to be with them! Remember, it's not all about you. Don't be offended when they ask for space.

If You Like It, Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It

When it comes to commitment, there are two types of girls you don't want to be: the pushy girl, and the push-over girl.

Pushy girls (or guys): want everything up sooner than later. Relationship, love, engagement, marriage, babies. Remember what I said about taking a few months to try out dating before making a commitment? This is key for you, but it's also key for them. Wanting to be "official" after only a short time might freak them out. And chances are, it probably will. In fact, jumping the gun on any of these things will freak out your partner, so take your time, and allow them to take their time too. There's nothing worse than pushing someone into something they're not ready for. (And why would you want them to commit to something when they're not sure about it anyway? You want them to want to be official, to say "I love you", and to marry you. Right?)

Push-over girls (or guys): let the people they're dating get away with too much non-committal.. a lot of times because they're trying to avoid being pushy, like the people mentioned above. So what's the difference? When is it okay to ask "are you ever going to marry me?!"? That's a fine line- and to be honest, if you feel like you've been waiting too long, you probably have. Have the courage and self-respect to ask for what you want. If he tells you he loves you but won't be your boyfriend, he just wants the freedom to date other girls. There's no nice way to say it. Find a guy who wants just you and isn't afraid to tell the world.

You're On Your Way

I don't know what else to leave you with, except good luck and have fun with it! Try not to suck. :)

Entertaining.. Sophisticated-Like

Statistics show that the more fulfilling lives are ones centered around relationships, events, and socializing. No wonder we all feel an itch for popularity, eh? The more friends, the more you can accomplish!

Couples (and individuals) are shown to be happier and more satisfied with their lives when money is spent on trips, concerts, outings, food and drinks- instead of fancy cars, designer shoes, or the latest in technology. Less materialism, more.. experiencing.

One of my favorite ways to incorporate this in my own life is entertaining. It's cheap, it's fun, and you can increase your social network quite easily over time.

While the typical college kid's version of this is throwing a really jammin' keggar on Friday night, I prefer to keep beer pong out of my venue.

With that said, I've developed some experience in throwing some pretty awesome dinner parties on a budget, and I've decided to share with you my Guide to Throwing the Best Wine-and-Cheese Party:

The Wines

Depending on the age, the type, and the make of the wines, many on this next list can be paired with all varieties of cheese. This guide is just kind of the standard, so be sure you can't go wrong. But don't be afraid to experiment!

Soft Cheese: Chenin Blanc, Sauvignon Blanc, Gewurztraminer, Champagne, Cabernet, White Zinfandel, Vidal, Beaujolais, Bordeaux, Chianti, Sancerre

Hard Cheese: Bardolino, Tawny Port, Madeira, Sherry, Chenin Blanc, Sauvignon Blanc, Sancerre, Côtes du Rhône, Rioja, Cabernet, Barolo, Barbaresco, Brunello di Montalcino, Ribera del Duero, Chardonnay, Chianti Riserva, Beaujolais, Dark Beer, Sangria, Gewurztraminer, Pinot Noir

Semi-Soft Cheese: Chardonnay, Champagne, Riesling, Barolo, Barbaresco, Gattinara, Bordeaux, Rioja, Fleurie, Beaujolais, Chinon, Bourgueil

Semi-Hard Cheese: Chardonnay, Champagne, Riesling, Cabernet, Sancerre, Chenin Blanc, Sauvignon Blanc, Chianti Riserva, Barolo, Tawny Port

The Cheeses

As with wine, cheese has all sorts of variation. At my local grocery store alone, there are 4 different types and mixes of feta. I haven't tried them all, but the different flavorings can be paired better with a different wine than standard feta. Again, feel free to mix it up and find what you like best.

Soft Cheese: Blue Castello, Boursin, Brie, Bucheron, buffalo mozzarella, Camembert, feta, goat cheese, Gorgonzola, Limburger, Mascarpone, Muenster, Neufchatel, Pave Affinois, Teleme

Hard Cheese: Asiago, Blue, Derby, Edam, Emmentaler, Grana Padano, Gruyere, Jarlsberg, Manchego, Parmigiano, Pecorino Romano, Raclette, Reggiano, Swiss, Wensleydale, Zamarano

Semi-Soft Cheese: Bel Paese, Baby Swiss, Colby, Fontina, Havarti, Kasseri, Madrigal Baby Swiss, Morbier, Port Salut

Semi-Hard Cheese: Cheddar, Chesire, Cotija, Danish Blue, Double Gloucester, Gouda, Graddost, Panela, Provolone, Roquefort, Sonoma Jack, Stilton

More Great Vino-Friendly Pairings

Dark chocolate: best kind of chocolate to work with wines. Goes great with reds.

Crackers: water crackers have neutral flavor for in between wines, otherwise find a variety of good ones to lay out near the cheeses.

Nuts: walnuts are a wonderful complement to many cheeses, almonds are rich and salty yet not overpowering, good for cutting through the creamier cheeses. Other good ones to try are hazelnuts and brazil nuts.

Fruit: Strawberries and peaches go well with lighter, sweeter wines. Also include plums, pears, grapes, or apples.

Look Like A Pro

How to taste your wine:

1. See. Hold your glass by the stem at a 45-degree angle so it catches the light. It’s really about appreciating what you’re going to sip.

2. Swirl. Hold the base of the stem between your first two fingers and move it around (slowly!) in a small, circular motion to aerate the wine and unlock its aromas.

3. Smell. Stick your nose way into the glass (no, it won’t get stuck) and deeply inhale. This ritual triggers your taste buds.

4. Sip. Take a nice-sized sip and let the wine touch all parts of your mouth, rolling over your tongue and hitting the sides to really get the flavor.

A few terms to define the wine and flavors:

• Acidic. The tart (or over-the-top sour) quality that wine gives off naturally.

• Tannic. Tannins create a dry, puckery, astringent sensation in your mouth.

• Body. A full-bodied wine feels heavy (the way whole milk feels thicker than skim).

• Dry. A wine is called dry if it’s not sweet. Most table wines are considered dry.

For More Ideas

A fantastic go-to that I've found when you're looking for pairings. The Wisconsin Cheese Cupid pairs your wine or cheese to its "perfect mate" with just a few clicks. I love it!

Last but Not Least!

Invite some friends. Good themes I've used- having everyone bring their own bottle, or have everyone bring another friend that you might not know. Be creative, and have fun with it. Cheers to a more fulfilling life that is sure to be yours!

The Ex. What kinds do you have? What kind are YOU?

We all have an ex. There's the first ex, the crazy ex, the 'one that got away'. There are all sorts of labels we carry for these people to describe what they were to us, or what they are to us now.

They're great for stories about the past, but what if they come back to the present?

My husband has what we affectionately call his "crazy ex girlfriend". Now, to spare you the details of their relationship, they were a very dysfunctional couple, and broke up more than once or twice. After the final breakup, this girl would not leave him alone. On his end, she was crazy. But did she think she was?

How do we draw the line from taking a chance so you're never left to wonder, to harassing someone who doesn't want to hear from you anymore? I suppose it's up to interpretation of both people, but don't make the same mistake as she did. She thought she was texting her ex "one more time" in some romantical hope that it might be the one text that made the difference.

Jezebel.com posted a brilliant article to draw people out of their love-sickness and back into reality. And if you're anything like me, you'll enjoy their frankness in warning us just how crazy we might end up looking.

Check it out by clicking here.